Apples, windows, and raincoats

The other day, I instructed my army of often-lazy bionic potato slaves to trawl the internet for some hot pictures of staples.

Unfortunately, bionic potato slaves are often lazy. (I might have already mentioned that, sorry, but being lazy my bionic potato slaves will not check to see whether I have.) As well as the thing in parentheses, the lethargy of my starchy minions means that they did not carry out my order, and I had to go to the trouble of looking for some staple pictures myself. Oh, sometimes I wonder why I bother having an army of bionic potato slaves.

But the potatoes managed to redeem themselves, by both photographing a paper-clip and drawing my attention to some article that some guy wrote on some blog some time ago. It’s at times like this that I realise why I have my gang of mutant tuberous crops.

According to the article, a blogger like this one can get himself a Dell laptop for free. That’s magic!

But there is a mild catch. A mild one, but a catch nonetheless. A catch that can be caught my reading the following quotation.

After all, they have apparently chosen me since I am vocal about being an Apple user, and to a lesser extent a Linux user.

Time to get vocal.

I quite like apples. They’re nice and crunchy, and a bit less impractically juicy than mangoes and oranges and nectarines and peaches are. There isn’t an annoying musician’s offspring named Apples. I especially like russets – they’re my favourite variety, far tastier than the tasteless spheres of shiny, polished, flaky horribleness obtainable from most supermarkets. But of course, they’re not bad either. Just not quite so amazingly brilliant.

I must admit that, being currently fitted with some orthodontic thingamabobs as I am, apples are a bit hard to bite into. Perhaps testing out a shiny portable computing device might fully open up my eyes to this problem with apples. But right now, I can use a knife to chop the apple up into sufficiently small pieces for my brace-clad teeth to wrestle with, and I do very much like to support the knife industry. British knives for British apples, or something along those lines.

I notice that Mashley Organ mentions being a user of apples. And, I have to say, apples are very useful too. For instance, I once played a game of football with an apple. You could also play tennis, or . Sounds ambitious, but certainly a little crab apple would be perfect for playing a spot of whiff-whaff.

Aren’t windows rubbish? What do you do with windows? You look out of them, that’s what. Rubbish. Why do you want to look out of the window? Why do you want to see what’s outside? What’s outside? Birds? Who wants to look at birds? You’ll probably end up getting the sun in your eyes. And half of the time

Windows are nothing more than a magnet for yobs. Pervy wanker yobs who want to cop an eyeful of the sight of you getting dressed, and frustrated yobs who want to hurl bricks and eggs.

If you’re wearing a macintosh, then it doesn’t matter if a yob hurls an egg at you. Same if it rains. What’s more, macs tend to be brightly-coloured, which can lead to visibility at night time. If you tried to use a window to increase your visibility when

I suppose a window is useful if you have locked the door and left the key inside. You can climb through the window. I did that once. But yobs could do the same, and climb through the windows of your house – perhaps, shockingly, to steal some carrots! Nobody wants their carrots to get stolen. Windows are nothing other than pure evil, I conclude, if their presence is likely to result in root vegetable theft.

So, Dell, can’t you see that I prefer apples and macintoshes to windows? If you can’t, I suggest that you get your eyes tested. And once you’ve done so, you will know what to do. Remember to wear your new glasses, so that you definitely use a postage stamp rather than some other non–postage stamp thing that one might confuse for one. (I couldn’t think of any examples, and nor could those lazy buttmunches on Twitter, unfortunately, but never mind all that.)

I will await the courier with anticipation. On the other hand, I could always just go to Argos.