Actually, outrageous advertising

A few hours after releasing into the wild yesterday’s thing, which (perhaps disturbingly) has already attracted a swarm of Googlers hungry for some exciting bull udder sucking action, I found myself, incredibly, at some kind of social event and in the position of having one of those big plastic bottles full of Tango right under my nose. I was on the ginger beer mostly, but decided to have a little of the orange stuff to both irritate my dentist and test out the claims made

Nothing happened. My teeth kind of hurt a little bit more than usually (!) today, but I was in no way compelled to suck a bull’s udder, and certainly never found myself doing so. And, in case things are not clear, I normally have absolutely no desire to suck a bull’s udder either.

Obviously I am relieved. When I sipped that Tango, my heart was filled with fear that the advertisement’s claims would ring true, and I would sob endlessly, wiping my eyes on the embarrassing humiliation of having sucked a bull’s udder.

But I am brave, like some kind of warrior or something, and I’m glad that I was because I had nothing to worry about. I was fine. It’s now more probable than it was before that I’ll turn into a tortoise because of my consumption of something containing the evil toxic mutant chemical aspartame – not a good thing, because aspartame sounds a bit like Meet The Spartans which is a terrible film – but that has very little to do with bulls’ udders.

Since there is clearly no real risk of unwillingly sucking a bull’s udder at the will of some Tango, why are they putting off potential drinkers? The only thing I can think of is that there are some people who like the idea of sucking a bull’s udder – good luck to them – and the drink manufacturer is targeting them specifically. A clever idea – if one does something unusual (such as making special drinks that can encourage people to suck bulls’ udders), then it is easy for one to be the best at doing that unusual thing.

All very well, but as my highly scientific trials have confirmed, there is no correlation between willingness to suck a bull’s udder and consumption of Tango. All those mutant bull fetishists out there will be devastated to discover, after having spent some of their hard-earned money on Tango, that the claims are false. And it’s illegal to make false claims in an advertisement. Disgusting.

“But,” you say smugly, your eyes quivering because you think you’ve just out-witted me, “the poster stated that too much Tango caused udder-sucking.”

I, being a consumer champion who kicks aspartame in the balls and the like, would argue that even the most meagre sniff of aspartame-rich evil Tango, what some see as the devil’s sweat and wee mixed together with a pinch of poster paint and poured into a horrible plastic bottle, is too much. Actually drinking the stuff, as I did, is venturing horribly-deep into the forest of excessivenessosity.

I would end with a hilarious thing, but I can’t think of any hilarious thing with which to end.

Actually, I know just the thing. COCK. Ha ha, I said “COCK”!