A close shave

We can put people on the moon. We can use our vacuum cleaners to suck bees from the surface of the moon, should any of the astronauts (Buzz Aldrin?) be frightened of bees. We can thoroughly examine every single one of Dale Winton’s pores, without the assistance of a magnifying glass. Those boffins have been responsible for some truly useful developments, and we must thank them for their efforts. But some of the stuff they’ve come up with can only be described as balderdash.

Take the BaByliss i-Trim Stubble. It’s a device that answers the question that has been plastered all over the lips of precisely zero men. What is the question? “How can I make myself look like I’ve forgotten to shave?” is the question.

The engineers at BaByliss would have made a greater contribution to the development of our species had they invented a corkscrew with a built in patio heater. It’s like kicking a golf ball through a window, and saying that it doesn’t mean you’re a bad golf player because it was you were aiming for the window. Deliberately half-heartedly shaving. Only, inventing a beard trimmer won’t incur the wrath of angry window owners, demanding that you pay for the repair of their precious property – rather, it will mean that your bank balance moves in the opposite direction, as a number of idiots decide that your invention will change their lives for the better in a meaningful way.

Actually, I oughtn’t knock it. That would be repulsively hypocritical. This evening, I am expecting some ants to start wiping their muddy feet on my neck, such is its ever-growing resemblance to a micro-doormat. But, goodness me…

Also, there are many disposable razors balanced precariously around our bath. Being a bath, it can get quite slippery, and it’s horribly easy for a razor to tumble down into the bath, ready to be stepped on or sat on. This hasn’t happened yet, but I imagine it might. What’s more, the razors are covered with hairs. I don’t have anything else to say on the matter, apart from “yuck”.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with the world of shaving. I support it. I am very much an anti-beard extremist. And think of all the famous celebrities who appear in advertising for these devices. Tiger Woods, David Beckham, Tiger Woods again. Playing sport must cost a lot of money – have you seen how much white socks cost these days? – so it’s fantastic that an industry has been set up to allow these men to keep on keeping on with their sport so that they can keep up the rents on their bedsit. (Singular, not plural. They can by no means afford to have individual ones so they have to share. I shit you not, I’m not making this up, it’s true.)

For a very long time, I have believed that Tiger Woods’s middle names to be In and The. I just had a peek at Wikipedia, and my magic has been broken. He’s actually called Eldrick Tont Woods. Not even really just Tiger Woods. That’s rubbish. I think I’m going to cry. There.

Imagine what it must be like to be Tiger Woods. You have to wake up every morning, troubled by the knowledge that your name isn’t Tiger In The Woods. The poor man. I’m going to buy an i-Trim Stubble immediately.