Unleash the beauty of nature

I have some hair, which I wash using shampoo so that I do not become, and because I am not, disgusting. This is what it says on the sticky label glued to the plastic shampoo bottle:

For hair that exudes vibrant colour and shine use Timotei Shampoo. The revitalising blend of ingredients, including Camomile and Amber,

Why do Camomile and Amber get to have capital letters? I know, they must be people. Amber is, I suppose, not an uncommon name, but Camomile is. It must be cool to be named after a thing that, when made into tea, is believed to contribute towards the banishment of menstrual (isn’t that a type of chocolatey snack?) cramps. It must make being on the first page of the Google search results for your name (ahem) less of an achievement, though. (Or possibly more of an achievement, without a surname.)

Interestingly, Mr Ocado seems to think that it’s “Camomomile”. Silly Mr Ocado!

accentuates golden blonde tones and hues,

Why do tone and hue not get to have capital letters? And is it Tone Blair or Tone Soprano? Is it Hue Masekela or Hue Dennis or Hue Edwards? I am probably not the only person who finds it distressing that this is not explained.

leaving you with gleaming, sun-kissed hair.

This is an example of a “metaphor”. The sun cannot do kissing, because being a great big enormous ball of fiery gas or something, it lacks the requisite equipment – you know, lips and stuff. Even if it could, it seems unlikely that it would choose kiss hair, because when you do that the hair gets all tangled up with the teeth and things can become hurty. Also, hair that is about to be washed or is being washed is often unpleasantly greasy or soapy, respectively. And with a great big enormous ball of fiery gas, it must be dangerous, because of the heat. A terrible metaphor then – they obviously didn’t think about the practicalities.

Of course, it is probably talking about the tabloid newspaper. Either way, I disapprove, because of paper cuts.

You can phone the Hair Line free on 0800 085 2861, or contact us at Timotei, Unilever UK, Freepost, Admail 1000, London, SW1A 2XX.