(Or: “Fuss Islands Retail Park”.)

Months have passed since the beleaguered supermarket chain Morrisons did a capital wheeze, projecting a picture of a baguette between the wingtips of the Angel of the North. Interestingly, it wasn’t the first time it’d had ideas about a tall structure in the north of England.

In 2007, work was underway to turn the site of an old refuse “destructor into a retail park. One prominent relic of the site’s previous use was to remain: a grade II listed octagonal chimney…

Naturally, such a development necessarily entails lots of planning applications – and, wonderfully, the poorly scanned evidence of this is available online. So we can read the planning application entitled “Display of externally illuminated individual letters to south face of chimney”. It’s not a classic of the form, there’s no gloriously stiffly written literature to read (there often is), but there is a drawing.

morrisons

The status of the application is “application refused” and the sternly critical “delegated report” is available to read – a small sop to fans of that prose style.

I’m heartened that brave development control officers are there, ready to stop big corporates pissing on pieces of industrial heritage. A small part of me wonders what it would have looked like, but the local newpspaper has a mock-up.

Having a big chimney next to one’s supermarket still comes with some advantages, a certain gravitas, whether or not one is permitted to strap a logo to it. “It’s now known to many as ‘Morrisons Chimney’, perhaps giving the erroneous impression that the supermarket recently built alongside incorporates a very large fireplace.” They could have projected a baguette onto it.


Also, a man flew an unmanned aerial vehicle around the chimney, and there’s a video. The pictures are frankly a bit disappointingly lousy – shaky and pasty-faced – but for heaven’s sake he flew a consumer-grade remote-controlled miniature aircraft, with a tiny video camera on it, in the sky. Isn’t that impressive?

“For this collection, Janet Street-Porter has selected programmes about post-war architecture” is a bit of a startling sentence at first, but it really needn’t be.

Some highlights: Jools Holland going about Canary Wharf in a vibrant blazer, Norman Foster climbing on a jumbo jet, and a bit about the visually arresting house Street-Porter herself got designed.

(Isn’t it cool of the BBC to make available things from their archives like this? Brilliant.)

Lord Young is not young at all – in fact, he is quite old. And he has something of Professor Lazarus about him, don’t you think?

But let’s not hold that against him – many people are old, and almost as many resemble Doctor Who villains. Let’s not even consider his role in privatising British industry. Instead, let’s zoom in and enhance to admire the iPod nano (6th generation) he wears on his wrist:

In this photograph, taken to promote a “twinterview” (!) about some supply-side measures more than two years ago, the device appears to display on its screen the artwork for the podcast of Melvyn Bragg’s In Our Time radio programme.

An article in the Times from some months prior – a length of time that suggests a quaintly long attention span – also mentions the Tory grandee’s wristwatch:

Lord Young of Graffam, the bow-tie wearing former Trade and Industry Secretary, who is 80 next month, has rigged up his own wireless network and Bluetooth keyboard for the iPad in his No 10 office. Recently he has taken to wearing on his wrist an iPod Nano converted into a watch, using a special strap purchased from a crowd-funded inventor’s website.

(His own wireless network, eh? Cutting-edge! Although, convenient as it is to scoff, I do wince at most people’s complaints about the speeds of Wi-Fi and 3G in crowded public places – it’s extraordinary that we can send information through the air at all, so don’t let’s complain that it’s sometimes a bit slow.)


When I bought a similar iPod nano (6th generation) and special strap, was it a secret longing to be like the bow-tie wearing former Trade and Industry Secretary that made me do it? I cannot say.

One’s youth should be a time of experimentation and things, so maybe it was some of that. Needless to say, wearing a portable media player on your wrist makes you look like a ninny, and I quickly gave it up – sold the information pod to another mug, and rather wastefully let the special strap collect dust on a dressing table somewhere.

Ninnyishness wasn’t the only thing: it turns out that, if one listens to podcasts, the luxury of having a network connection – as offered by modern information phones – is hard to give up. This makes me sound like the worst kind of person imaginable, but these days who gets out of bed for something that necessitates plugging in a USB cable? It’s so much civilised to suck bits into your device wirelessly.

Since the iPod nano (6th generation) stopped being a new thing, many shimmering new “wearables” have been shown off, and all of the more ambitious kinds continue the rich tradition of looking quite daft. Of course, early mobile telephones made you look like a prat, even though you didn’t have to wear them, and we should be grateful to the pioneers who for years slowly forced society to acclimatise.

But until we can enjoy the presence of a future in which the physical size of today’s bulbous battery packs has shrunken down along with the stigma associated with strapping one to your head, all we can do is speculate and jeer – and that’s OK.

One thought I had: although, for example, the sleekest “Android Wear” devices are still all far more ostentatious than the old digital watches that terror bombists reportedly tote, wouldn’t the current technology make an impressive bike computer?

On second thoughts: probably not. Another thought: would the motor car–targeting gewgaws in fact be a better candidate for the metal things with wheels that bicycles usually are? Then: no, don’t be ridiculous. And: although there’s a drive to encourage cyclists to buy some amount of often oil-based plastic accessories to smother fears about things, thank goodness it rules out any conceivable attempts at selling the kinds of handlebar-mounted distractions I briefly imagined. (Don’t go getting any ideas.)


Professor Lazarus from Doctor Who, of course, craving immortality, built a “Genetic Manipulation Device” which made him younger. Then it turned him into a sort of giant scorpion. There is no implication that Lord Young of Graffam is a scorpion.

From chapter 7 of The Phoenix and the Carpet:

Everything was nicely washed up, and dried, and put in its proper place, and the dish-cloth washed and hung on the edge of the copper to dry, and the tea-cloth was hung on the line that goes across the scullery. (If you are a duchess’s child, or a king’s, or a person of high social position’s child, you will perhaps not know the difference between a dish-cloth and a tea-cloth; but in that case your nurse has been better instructed than you, and she will tell you all about it.)

There was something in the New Yorker about Grecian yoghurt the other week. Specifically, about the Chobani brand, which we’re told has been kicking Fage and other rivals’ bottoms quite comprehensively in the much–written-about Greek yoghurt wars.

How an immigrant from Turkey turned Greek yogurt into an American snack food.

It had some of the characteristics of a “puff piece”, and in fact elsewhere in the magazine was a full-page advertisement for Chobani. The plot thickens! (Thickens, yes, much what like yoghurt does when it is strained in the Greek style.)

When I found myself in a shop a bit later, something made me notice the pots of Chobani’s Greek yoghurt – I think they’re new to British shelves – and before I knew it I was ponying up all the money to buy one.

Unlike the plain Fage yoghurt you get here – which only someone entirely perverse, or Richard Wilson’s character in Tutti Frutti, would eat on its own, but which can be a creamy and refreshing companion to some fruit sold separately – Chobani’s is all adulterated with fruit and sugar. I think mine involved blueberries, and sadly it was a bit too sweet.

One effect of this oversweetness is that it’s only really stomachable in small mouthfuls. Maybe that’s a good thing, because it discourages greediness – a small spoonful mixed into one’s morning muesli is quite enough, thank you. But the strong yoghurtiness of plain yoghurt has the same effect, even though stuffing one’s face with that has slightly less severe tooth-rotting consequences.  It’s nice that the sugar is cane sugar, and the fruit is all genuine fruit, but Chobani’s talk of “naturally sourced ingredients” smells a bit unsubstantial.


A more recent issue of the New Yorker has some blather about mozzarella. What can explain this sudden obsession with lactose? After being brainwashed once by the fancy magazine, and feeling the egg on my face, I won’t make the same mistake again.

← Older