Week 240: bottle of Flash
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Iâve been practising Vernon Kayâs figure-of-8 mopping technique. Completely unfoundedly, I make up that Kay makes a meal out of doing a bit of mopping now and then, and thinks thatâs his fair share of the domestic duties. More troublingly, Kay says he doesnât trust floor cleaning liquid products â because he thinks theyâre communist spies or something? â and instead recommends making your own by mixing bleach with some other ingredients. Thatâs bad advice, and if I didnât know better Iâd wonder if he was deliberately tricking his fans into asphyxiating themselves to death with chlorine or chloramine gas. Just buy a bottle of Flash.
It says âđ± with plant based ingredientâ on the label of my floor cleaning product, as if thatâs supposed to mean something to me. Itâs weird: did it use to be made out of animals, and is the plant-based ingredient ⊠palm oil???
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First mince pie of the season, and a locally sourced mince pie. From Suffolk, which explains why it was so bad, whether heated-up or room-temperature: the pastry was soft and limp and too thick, and the filling wasnât good enough to compensate. Merry Christmas.
I made an apple pie from scratch on Saturday. A small one, about the size of a big rat, two apples with the bruised bits removedâworth. I should not have decorated the lid with the leftover pastry, because it made it too thick. Next time: latticework.
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Cold- or flu-like symptoms for most of the week. Snot city. I had some chesty cough mixture left over from the last season, but the cough I had this time was more of a dry or tickly one so it didnât help as much.
Improbably I recovered, and the flooded railway lines dried out, in time for me to spend another <24 hours in Glasgow; thatâs not boring enough to write about at any length here.
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(Last week the phrase âhow many arseholes it takes to fill the Albert Hallâ was staring me in the face and I didnât think of it. Pathetic.)